I am very, very afraid of the world right now. I need to be insulated, alone, siloed. I cannot handle the war, the pain, the hatred, the division.
Sit in a sensory deprivation tank. Close your eyes. Breathe. Get afraid and freak out, heart pounding and afraid. Then you slowly, slowly, slowly calm down and wonder if anything is real anymore. Is this what death feels like? Am I dying? Sometimes you fear that the world will fall apart around you and you'll combust into nothing and vaporize into thin air and the entire time my your will be attached to the screen. I don't even want to function without AI creating thoughts for me and social media to show to me and my dreams to confuse me.
I don't know how to create. I can't create anymore.
And I feel stuck, so stuck, in this forever day where I sleep eat work sleep eat feed sleep eat fuck sleep eat shit sleep bathe sleep dream dream dream. I can't even decipher what's in my dreams anymore. I'm only creative when I sleep. I know think because when I wake up I can't explain my dream. No mater how convoluted, how hazy and bare, I used to connect my dreams back to something real. Something almost tangible, at least. I can't do that anymore. I don't know what to do.
I guess, this. I just need to do this.
I need to keep going and keep writing and keep thinking and put it all on a page. Allow my mind to create rather than consume. Develop not devour.
I hope one day, someone sees this.
