Originally written 4/11/2015; re-uploaded 4/25/2024
Here I am, spewing long rambles on self-love and beauty,
about “being the change” and fighting for what’s right.
Here I am saying that we, as young adults, should be standing on the same foundation as generations before us.
From my mouth I asserted that I, in particular, seemed to have it all together and in order.
I need to tell you that is so very wrong.
It is 4:19 in the morning on a Friday and I should be getting ready to go to out of town for the day but I just can’t choose what to wear. You see, I made a conscious effort not to shave after about two months of deliberation and because of this I have stubble under my arms and I don’t know how to combat this with warmer weather coming.
I decided to do this because I feel like I needed to do something drastic to change myself for the better, because I am not happy in my own skin and the only things I seem to truly care about at this point is this crazy notion that I, somehow, can do something to change this world. I have an activist mentality that I can’t seem to shake, and it very much interests me, and yet I am still not fully adhering to all of its principles.
In my 4th grade yearbook under “Future Goals and Aspirations” I wrote that I planned on becoming the first black woman president. A decade has past and I look at this goal now and all I can do is apologize to young Keyana. I have failed you and I’m sorry.
My goals, shrinking ever so slightly as each years goes on, are to this day, minuscule at best. I’m well into my second semester of college and I can’t see much past deciding on my schedule for the next Fall Term, much less long-term career choices like presidency and making history.
I feel as if I have lost sight of what is right and what I should be doing here. I keep making these huge life changes and still, none of them seem to satisfy or make me any happier– and I think it’s because I am doing them all for the wrong reasons.
With that being said, I do not plan on reverting in any of my past life decisions. I am still not consuming or using any animal byproducts or using anything that might have done an animal harm. I still won’t shave. I fully know and comprehend that black lives matter. I will still tell young girls to love their bodies and themselves and to not worry about what other people might think.
But how can I assert that loving yourself is the ultimate goal and I cannot do it myself? It is still one of the hardest aspects of my life to deal with, and I think because of this I will never truly be content with the things I do or say because I am not truly content with myself.
How do I change this? How can I end this hypocrisy? When I sit down and explain to my sister or a friend that being true to yourself is the only way to reach true happiness, yet I cannot do the same for myself, how is this true advice? I know it isn’t a lie, because I understand that being truly happy comes with being happy with yourself, but I have absolutely no idea how to do this. This is a question for all of you, feel free to answer it honestly or not– do any of us have the right to do or say things that seek to create a sort of character for ourselves if we truly don’t know who we are? Should this sort of behavior be pursued?
